


Oui Oui Mon Ami Je M'Appelle Suck My Ass

by stonerjohnlaurens



Series: History Obliterates (The Modern Hamilton Universe) [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (It's Lafayette), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Non-binary character, One Shot, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 11:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5663941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonerjohnlaurens/pseuds/stonerjohnlaurens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hercules cannot speak French. Why is he friends with every fluent French speaker on campus? Why?</p><p>OR Hercules doesn't know what the fuck we're saying so let's be really gay about this.<br/>(I've been wanting to use this title forever god bless)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oui Oui Mon Ami Je M'Appelle Suck My Ass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MajorMinor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorMinor/gifts).



> I read a bunch of fics about John dying yesterday and I really just wanted a happy silly one.  
> ***thank you to small-queer-child for the actual French translations!***

There are multiple advantages to being trilingual (it's a real word, look it up). Alexander used to be ashamed of it, having to internally switch accents and such. Prior to conquering English, some of the idioms said to him in middle school flew right over his head.

 

But he eventually found that the skill is helpful in a number of ways. When walking through New York’s more Hispanic part of town, he could pick up on distant conversations (surely they assumed that Alex’s fairer skin tone meant he was white, white and ignorant). He’d sometimes surprise them, spewing a barrage of insults in perfect Spanish when they remarked on how he had a walk of a _maricón_.

 

He took French 101 with Lafayette as a joke for the first week of freshman year second semester. When they dropped the course, they were met with jeers from a classmate, Charles Lee. He berated them on both their laziness and their idiocy, commenting that they probably couldn’t learn French even if they were from France. Poor unsuspecting Charles Lee. How could he have known that one of the only black kids in the class (and coincidentally, an immigrant from France) and the Latino boy were born French speakers? They cursed him out loudly, before everyone in Yorktown Dining Hall, in their native tongue. What a way to finish out the school year!

 

These are, of course, only practical advantages. He did know of the added ease in getting a job in the US for someone who could speak a language in addition to English. He also knew that talking to potential law clients would be easier as well, in the culture-clash cesspool known as NYC. However, the more mundane perks seemed to charm him more, and they more often brought a smile to his face. He was losing the touch though, as more and more people learned of his talents. It was getting hard to toy with anyone.

 

Another opportunity arose at dinner one Spring night of his sophomore year _._ He and his best male friend, John Laurens, had just begun exclusively dating. The first few weeks of their relationship were taxing on their other friends as the two were so deep in both love and lust for each other. They were thrilled to be loving each other in the open, constantly filling every area on campus with loving gazes and PDA. Their friends grew tired of their gush-fest and requested they keep their hugging and kissing in public to a minimum, and they obliged. Hercules was a big supporter of this.

 

That night at dinner, Alexander sat on the left of his roommate, Hercules. On the right was the amazingly flamboyant Lafayette, admiring themself in a pink compact mirror. To their right sat John Laurens, Alexander’s boyfriend (!!!), who proposed the couple not sit so close in public to prevent annoying their friends.

 

The rest of the table was barren. The Schuyler sisters left dinner early, needing to all do homework, and Alex’s friend Aaron claimed he had a date tonight. The fluffy-haired annoyance commonly referred to as Thomas Jefferson would sometimes accompany them for meals, but he stopped after the table realized that the only one who cared for Thomas’ existence at all was Lafayette. Lafayette was forced to comply with a pout, and they hung out with him whenever they weren’t occupied with one of their three main friends.

 

“I must leave early, my friends.” Lafayette said, standing to put up their empty plate.

 

“Awh, Laf, c’mon!” Alex protested. They shook their head in response.

 

“No, I must go home and clean. I believe my new roommate arrives tomorrow.”

 

“New roommate?” Mulligan queried. “What happened to Jean?”

 

“I believe he was uncomfortable with the way I am.” They said this part quickly, with a dash of obvious pride. “As if I’m going to change. _Pas du tout. Adieu._ ” And they departed, a slight switch in their gait.

 

After a small silence, Hercules sighed, attracting the attention of the other two at the table.

 

“What’s wrong, Herc?” John asked.

 

“It’s just…Lafayette. Like, they can speak English. I _know_ they can speak English. It’s the only common thread here in this group,” He gestures to the three of them.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. And it’s just kinda like…irritating. I don’t know. Like, I’m the only one here who doesn’t know French, and it would be nice if they just kept it to English while they were around me. Like, not to shit on their home country or anything but…”

 

Alex nodded, half-heartedly. He could somewhat see where Hercules was coming from, but another part of him wanted to burst out laughing and say something along the lines of “That sounds like a personal problem.”

 

“I mean, you guys never alienate me with random French like that, why do they?”

 

The couple sat silently. Alex smirked. Was John thinking the same thing as him?

 

“Guys?...”

 

“You’re most definitely right, Herc.” John said with a devious grin. “Hey, Alex! _Lorsque nous partons, je vais te prendre comme je voudra.”_

 

Alexander blushed, not expecting John to say such a bold statement out in the open. He instinctively brought a hand to his mouth to cover it and looked to his roommate, staring absent-mindedly.

He didn’t have a fucking clue.

 

“John!” He whined. “Ham, make your dumb boyfriend stop.”

 

Alexander took his eyes off his roommate and brought them challengingly to John. There was no way he was going to let John out-vulgar him.

 

“John…” He began. “ _Pourquoi attendre jusqu'à ce que nous partirons_?”

 

“UGH. Fuck you guys.”

 

“ _Prefererais-tu que je te prenne sur la table maintenant? Devant Hercules?_ ” John fired back, shocked. He leaned slightly over the table, a bit closer to Alexander’s face. Alex would not be intimidated.

 

“What are you guys saying?! I heard my name.”

 

“ _Je veux que tu me baises sur la table, que tu prenne ton bite et que tu éjacules sur mon visage._ ” He whispered and leaned in to make up the distance, enticing a blush to crawl across John’s face.

 

John suddenly fell back and stumbled onto his stool. “Je…uh…je….fuck.” He stammered out.

 

Alex sat down calmly and triumphantly. Hercules huffed and stormed out of the hall.

 

“We’ve really upset him, I think.” John said through small giggles. He hadn’t stop blushing. Alexander stood to help John up from his seat.

 

“I think so.” He replied. They both stood next to the table, ignoring the food they didn’t finish.

 

“Hey. I know we were just messing with him and everything but…maybe we could go back to my dorm and…?” He trailed off and looked down. He was still so red in the face. “I mean, _I_ don’t have a roommate and…”

 

Alex blinked innocently. He really got John riled up.

“Tonight? When I have a roommate who needs comforting and an essay to write?” He put his mouth to John’s ear, nipping it softly. John gasped lightly at the bite. He put his hands to Alexander’s hips, forgetting where they were for the time being.

 

 

“ _Pas du tout_.” Alexander whispered in his ear. He ripped away from a very flustered John and ran after his roommate.

**Author's Note:**

> translations!!  
> _______
> 
> maricón = f*ggot  
> Pas du tout = Not at all.  
> Lorsque nous partons, je vais te prendre comme je voudra. = When we leave, I will have my way with you.  
> Pourquoi devons-nous attendre jusqu'à ce que nous laissons? = Why must we wait until we leave?  
> Prefererais-tu que je te prenne sur la table maintenant? Devant Hercules? = Would you rather I take you on the table right now? In front of Hercules?  
> Je veux que tu me baises sur la table, que tu prenne ton bite et que tu éjacules sur mon visage. = I want you to fuck me on the table, take your cock, and come on my face.
> 
> ahahah!!! fuck off!!!
> 
>  
> 
> my hamilton tumblr is @actualjohnlaurens, Yell at me there.


End file.
